What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Family Member is a question many ask during heartbreaking moments. Finding the right words to comfort someone grieving the loss of a loved one can be challenging, but your support can mean the world.
Whether it’s a close friend, colleague, or distant relative, knowing how to speak with empathy can help them feel seen, supported, and not alone in their sorrow.
In this guide, we’ll explore comforting phrases, things to avoid, and how to show care through simple, heartfelt words that truly matter during a time of loss.
Why Words Matter in Grief
When someone loses a family member, words can feel like a lifeline. Saying something kind shows you see their pain. But clumsy words can hurt, even if you mean well. For example, avoid saying, “They’re in a better place,” as it might dismiss their sorrow. Instead, try, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here for you.”
Scenario: Your coworker Jane lost her brother. You notice she’s quiet at work.
What to say: “Jane, I heard about your brother. I’m here if you want to talk or just sit together.”
What not to say: “You’ll get over it with time.” This feels cold and rushed.
Keep it simple, sincere, and focused on their feelings.
Acknowledge Their Loss Directly
Grief can feel isolating, so acknowledging the loss helps someone feel seen. Don’t shy away from mentioning their loved one—it shows you care. Be specific if you can, like naming the person or sharing a memory. This makes your words personal and warm.
Scenario: Your friend Mike lost his mom. You see him at a gathering, looking distant.
What to say: “Mike, I’m heartbroken about your mom. She was so kind. How are you holding up?”
What not to say: “Everyone dies eventually.” This feels harsh and unhelpful.
A gentle mention of the loved one, paired with an open-ended question, invites them to share if they’re ready.
Offer Specific Help
Grief can overwhelm daily tasks, so offering specific help is a powerful way to show support. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” suggest something concrete. This takes the burden off them to ask.
Scenario: Your neighbor Sarah lost her dad and seems exhausted.
What to say: “Sarah, I’m so sorry about your dad. Can I bring dinner over tomorrow or walk your dog this week?”
What not to say: “Call me if you need help.” This puts pressure on them to reach out.
Specific offers, like cooking a meal or running an errand, show you’re ready to step in.
Listen More Than You Speak
Sometimes, the best thing to say is nothing—just listen. Grieving people often need to share memories or feelings without judgment. Let them lead the conversation, and show you’re present with nods or small responses.
Scenario: Your cousin Lisa lost her sister and starts talking about her.
What to say: “I’m here, Lisa. Tell me about her—what’s a favorite memory?”
What not to say: “You should focus on the good times.” This shuts down their emotions.
Active listening, with gentle prompts, creates a safe space for them to open up.
Avoid Comparisons or Clichés
Grief is personal, so avoid comparisons like, “I know how you feel,” even if you’ve lost someone too. Clichés like “Time heals all wounds” can feel empty. Instead, focus on their unique experience with empathy.
Scenario: Your friend Tom lost his wife. He’s struggling to talk about it.
What to say: “Tom, I can’t imagine how hard this is. I’m here to listen whenever you’re ready.”
What not to say: “I felt the same when my aunt died.” This shifts focus to you.
Stay centered on their feelings, and skip phrases that sound like quick fixes.
Follow Up After Time Passes
Grief doesn’t end after the funeral, so checking in later shows lasting care. A simple message or call weeks or months later can mean the world when others have moved on.
Scenario: Your classmate Maria lost her son three months ago. You haven’t talked since.
What to say: “Maria, I’ve been thinking of you and your son. How about coffee soon?”
What not to say: “Are you feeling better now?” This assumes they’re “over it.”
A thoughtful follow-up shows you haven’t forgotten their loss.
Final Thoughts
Knowing what to say to someone who lost a family member isn’t about perfect words—it’s about showing you care. Simple, heartfelt phrases, paired with listening and small acts of kindness, can ease their pain.
Avoid clichés or rushing their grief, and check in even after time passes. Your presence and empathy matter more than you might think.
By offering comfort in these ways, you help someone feel less alone in their sorrow.
