Losing someone is one of life’s hardest moments. You want to offer comfort, but finding the right words can feel impossible. What to say when someone passes is a question many of us face, yet we often freeze, worried about saying the wrong thing.
This guide is here to help you navigate those tough conversations with kindness and confidence. Whether it’s a friend, coworker, or neighbor grieving, your words can make a difference.
We’ll share practical tips, real-life examples, and phrases to use or avoid, so you can show support without stress. Let’s explore how to offer heartfelt condolences that truly connect.
Why Words Matter in Times of Grief
Words have power, especially when someone is grieving. They can comfort or, if poorly chosen, unintentionally hurt. Saying the right thing shows you care and helps the person feel seen. For example, imagine your friend Sarah lost her mom. A simple, “I’m so sorry, I’m here for you,” feels warm and genuine. But saying, “She’s in a better place,” might upset her if she doesn’t share that belief.
What to say: “I’m here if you need to talk or just sit together.”
What not to say: “Everything happens for a reason.”
Be sincere and avoid clichés. Your goal is to show empathy, not fix their pain.
How to Offer Condolences to a Close Friend
When a close friend loses someone, your words should feel personal and heartfelt. Acknowledge their pain and offer specific support. Picture your buddy Mike, who just lost his brother. Instead of a generic “Sorry for your loss,” try something warmer.
What to say: “Mike, I’m heartbroken for you. Want to grab coffee or talk about your brother sometime?”
What not to say: “You’ll get over it with time.”
This approach invites connection without pressure. Offer to listen or help with small tasks, like bringing dinner. If you knew the person who passed, share a kind memory, like, “I’ll always remember your brother’s laugh.” It shows you’re grieving too, which deepens your bond.
Supporting a Coworker Through Loss
Offering condolences at work requires sensitivity, as you may not know the person well. Keep it professional but kind. Suppose your coworker Lisa lost her dad. A short, thoughtful message works best in this setting.
What to say: “Lisa, I’m so sorry about your dad. I’m thinking of you and here if you need anything.”
What not to say: “At least he lived a long life.”
Avoid assumptions about their relationship or beliefs. If appropriate, offer practical help, like covering a task at work. For example, “I can handle the report if you need time.” This shows support without crossing boundaries. Keep your tone warm but respectful of their space.
What to Say to Someone You Barely Know
It’s tricky to comfort someone you don’t know well, like a neighbor or acquaintance. Keep it simple and sincere. Imagine your neighbor Tom’s wife passed away. You don’t know him well, but you want to show you care. A brief, kind gesture goes a long way.
What to say: “Tom, I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. My thoughts are with you.”
What not to say: “I know how you feel.”
You don’t know their pain, so don’t claim to. If you want to help, offer something specific, like, “I’m happy to mow your lawn this week.” This keeps your words meaningful without overstepping. A handwritten note can also be a thoughtful touch for someone you don’t know closely.
Phrases to Avoid and Why They Hurt
Some phrases, though well-meaning, can upset someone grieving. Avoid comparisons or minimizing their loss. For instance, if your friend Anna lost her partner, don’t say, “At least you’re young enough to find someone new.” It dismisses her pain. Similarly, avoid religious platitudes unless you know their beliefs, like, “God needed another angel.”
What to say: “I’m here for you, Anna, however you’re feeling.”
What not to say: “You should be strong for your kids.”
These hurtful phrases add pressure or imply their grief has a timeline. Instead, focus on listening and validating their emotions. If they share, respond with, “That sounds so hard,” to show you’re truly hearing them.
How to Follow Up After the Initial Condolences
Grief doesn’t end after the funeral, so checking in later shows lasting care. A few weeks after your friend John loses his sister, he might feel alone as others move on. A quick text or call can lift his spirits.
What to say: “Hey John, just thinking of you. How about we grab lunch soon?”
What not to say: “Are you feeling better now?”
Grief isn’t a straight line, so don’t imply they should be “over it.” Invite them to share memories or just hang out. For example, “I’d love to hear more about your sister sometime.” This keeps the connection open and shows you’re there for the long haul.
Final Thoughts
Knowing what to say when someone passes is about showing empathy and being present. Whether it’s a friend, coworker, or acquaintance, your words can offer comfort if they come from the heart.
Focus on listening, avoiding clichés, and offering specific support. Grief is personal, so tailor your words to the person and your relationship. By being thoughtful and sincere, you can help someone feel less alone in their pain.
Next time you’re unsure, take a deep breath and speak from kindness—it’s enough.
