Have you ever felt like someone’s words just slip past you, like you’re only catching what fits your story? The phrase you say I only hear what I want to captures that moment when we filter conversations to match our own thoughts or feelings.
It’s something we all do sometimes, whether we’re avoiding tough truths or clinging to comfort. This blog post dives into why we hear selectively, how it affects our relationships, and what we can do to listen better.
By understanding this habit, we can build stronger connections and avoid misunderstandings. Let’s explore how to open our ears to what’s really being said.
Why Do We Hear Only What We Want?
Selective listening happens when our brain picks and chooses what to focus on. It’s like tuning a radio to your favorite station and ignoring the rest. This can stem from emotional defenses, like not wanting to face criticism, or simply being distracted by our own thoughts. For example, if your friend says, “I’m upset, but I’ll be okay,” you might only hear “I’ll be okay” because it feels easier.
Scenario: Imagine your boss says, “Your work is good, but you need to meet deadlines.” If you only hear “Your work is good,” you might miss the call to improve.
What to Say: “Can you repeat that? I want to make sure I understand.”
What Not to Say: “Oh, so you think I’m doing great!” (ignoring the critique).
How Selective Listening Hurts Relationships
When you only hear what you want, it can make others feel ignored or unimportant. This creates distance in friendships, family ties, or even at work. If your partner says, “I feel like you’re not listening,” but you only hear “you’re not listening” as an attack, you might argue instead of connecting.
Scenario: Your sibling shares, “I’m stressed about money, but I don’t want to burden you.” If you only hear “I don’t want to burden you,” you might not offer support they need.
What to Say: “I hear you’re stressed. Want to talk about it?”
What Not to Say: “You said you don’t want to burden me, so I’ll leave it.” (missing their stress).
Are You Filtering Out the Truth?
Sometimes, you say I only hear what I want to reflects a deeper issue: avoiding hard truths. We might skip over feedback or warnings because they challenge our self-image. For instance, if a friend says, “You’ve been distant lately, and I miss you,” you might only hear “I miss you” and brush off their concern.
Scenario: At a team meeting, your colleague says, “Your idea is creative, but it’s not practical.” If you only hear “Your idea is creative,” you might push forward without adjusting.
What to Say: “Thanks for the feedback. Can you explain why it’s not practical?”
What Not to Say: “So you love my idea, right?” (ignoring the critique).
How to Break the Habit of Selective Listening
Breaking this habit starts with active listening. This means focusing fully on the speaker, not planning your response while they talk. Try repeating back what you heard to confirm you got it right. It’s also helpful to pause and reflect before reacting, especially if emotions run high.
Scenario: Your parent says, “I’m proud of you, but I worry about your health.” Instead of hearing only “I’m proud of you,” pause to take in their worry too.
What to Say: “I hear you’re proud but worried. Can we talk about your concerns?”
What Not to Say: “Thanks for being proud!” (skipping their worry).
Listening Better in Tough Conversations
Tough talks, like arguments or feedback sessions, are where selective listening sneaks in most. To listen better, stay calm and ask clarifying questions. This shows you care about understanding, not just defending yourself. It’s okay to admit when you’re struggling to hear everything.
Scenario: Your friend says, “I’m hurt you forgot our plans, but I know you’re busy.” If you only hear “I know you’re busy,” you might not apologize.
What to Say: “I’m sorry I hurt you. Can you tell me more?”
What Not to Say: “You know I’m busy, so it’s fine, right?” (ignoring their hurt).
Tools to Improve Your Listening Skills
Improving how you listen takes practice, but tools like journaling or mindfulness can help. Journaling lets you reflect on conversations and spot patterns in what you miss. Mindfulness keeps you present, reducing distractions. You can also try apps like Headspace for guided listening exercises.
Scenario: After a chat with your coworker, you realize you only heard their praise, not their request for help. Journaling helps you notice this trend.
What to Say: “I might’ve missed something. Can you go over that again?”
What Not to Say: “I got everything, no worries!” (when you didn’t).
Final Thoughts
The phrase you say I only hear what I want to reminds us how easy it is to miss the full picture in conversations. By understanding why we filter words, recognizing when we do it, and practicing active listening, we can connect more deeply with others.
It’s about being present, asking questions, and caring enough to hear the whole story. Next time someone speaks, challenge yourself to listen fully—you might be surprised by what you’ve been missing. Let’s make every conversation count.
